Introduction
Debt is more than a number.
It’s history, identity, and emotion.
When you combine lives—and bank accounts—you’re also combining stories about money: where you’ve been, what you value, and what you fear.
If you or your partner are carrying debt, it doesn’t have to define your relationship. But it will shape it—unless you address it directly.
This post will help you create clarity, boundaries, and a shared strategy so debt becomes a challenge you manage together, not a wedge that pulls you apart.
Step 1: Make Space for the Story Behind the Debt
Debt doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It comes with context:
Student loans from trying to build a better life
Credit card debt from surviving a layoff
Medical bills you never saw coming
Overspending that covered deeper pain
Before you make a plan to tackle balances, share the story.
Ask each other:
Where did this debt come from?
How do you feel about it now?
What did you learn from the experience?
What do you need to feel safe moving forward?
This is not a blame session. It’s context gathering. Clarity always comes before strategy.
Step 2: Decide How Debt Will Be Handled in the Relationship
This is where most couples get stuck.
One partner assumes everything is shared. The other assumes debt stays individual.
Neither approach is wrong—but both require explicit agreement.
Consider:
Separate Responsibility
Each person continues making payments on their own balances.
Best for protecting autonomy and clear boundaries, especially in newer relationships or second marriages.
Shared Responsibility
Both partners agree to pay down debt together from shared income.
Best when there’s mutual trust and aligned goals.
Hybrid Approach
You keep individual responsibility but create a joint plan to accelerate payoff together.
Best when you want to honor individual ownership while supporting each other.
Define your choice early. Ambiguity breeds resentment.
Step 3: Be Transparent About Numbers
If you don’t know the real figures, you can’t make real plans.
Make a shared list:
Total balance of each debt
Minimum monthly payments
Interest rates
Due dates
Any potential penalties or fees
Seeing the full picture may feel uncomfortable, but it gives you the power to decide what happens next.
Step 4: Agree on Boundaries Around New Debt
It’s not just old debt that causes friction. It’s also how you handle new credit together.
Talk about:
How you’ll approach big purchases
Whether you’ll use credit for emergencies
How you feel about carrying balances
What limits you want to set
Decide in advance what you’re comfortable with—so you don’t default to old patterns.
Step 5: Create a Shared Debt Payoff Plan (Without Sacrificing Everything Else)
Extreme payoff plans often look noble but feel punishing.
If your strategy requires you to strip all joy and autonomy from your budget, it won’t last.
Consider:
A payoff target that feels challenging but realistic
A timeline that respects other priorities (savings, travel, investments)
A percentage of windfalls or bonuses allocated to debt
Space for discretionary spending so you don’t feel deprived
Debt repayment is a marathon, not a sprint. Build in room to breathe.
Step 6: Protect Your Individual Credit and Autonomy
Even in shared finances, it’s wise to keep some separation:
Maintain individual credit cards or accounts to protect your score
Avoid co-signing new debt unless you’re fully aligned
Keep personal credit reports updated and monitored
This isn’t about mistrust—it’s about protecting your options if circumstances change.
Step 7: Regularly Revisit the Plan
Debt payoff is dynamic.
Income shifts. Expenses come up. Priorities evolve.
Set a recurring check-in:
Monthly: Review payments, balances, progress
Quarterly: Reassess goals and contributions
Yearly: Adjust your plan based on big life changes
Transparency keeps you from drifting back into avoidance.
Step 8: Celebrate Progress, Not Just Completion
Debt can feel heavy because it often has no immediate rewards.
Counteract this by acknowledging:
Milestones (first card paid off, balance under $10,000)
Percentage of total debt cleared
Consistent payment habits over time
Celebration reinforces momentum. It also reminds you that debt does not define your partnership.
Final Thought
Debt is a circumstance—not a character flaw.
When you bring it into the open, make conscious agreements, and build systems that respect both partners, it loses its power to divide you.
You don’t have to carry shame or secrecy. You just need a plan, a commitment to honesty, and the willingness to navigate it together.
— Sloane MacRae
